Brief synopsis of the readings: Our first reading brings us the famous story of Adam and Eve. God had previously created Adam but recognized that it “is not good for the man to be alone.” God then created all sorts of animals that Adam named but none were suitable partners. God then put Adam into a deep sleep and removed one of his ribs. From that rib God created Eve who proved to be a suitable partner. The reading concludes with the statement that when man and woman come together they become one flesh. Marks’ Gospel gives us a dialogue between Jesus and the Pharisees. They ask Jesus if it’s permissible for a man to divorce his wife. First they spoke about how the law of Moses allows for divorce but then Jesus quoted the passage from our first reading where the couple becomes one flesh. Jesus then told them that what God joins cannot be separated. If a man divorces and marries another he commits adultery. Then some others brought children to see Jesus but his disciples tried to shoo them away. But Jesus told them to let the children come to him and blessed them.

When I was a priest I saw a division among my fellow priests. When confronted with these readings some priests saw this as an opportunity double down on the sanctity of marriage and said nobody should divorce. Others dreaded these readings because it meant wading into an issue that often caused good people a great deal of pain. If you’re keeping score, put me in the second group.

I have neither the desire nor the ability to give a history of marriage inside or outside the Christian Church. But we can all agree that the definition of marriage has been co-opted by politics. Many claim that God has always defined marriage as a covenant between one man and one woman. But the Old Testament taught that marriage was between one man and as many women as he could afford. It’s commonly known that King Solomon had 700 wives and 300 concubines, and David had at least 8 wives. David and Solomon certainly earned their share of criticism but not because of their multiple marriages.

And perhaps it’s a time for a little background. It is true that Moses allowed for divorce and by the time of Jesus the pharisees had split into two camps. Both groups believed a man could only divorce his wife for a good reason (and neither group allowed for a woman to divorce her husband). Some pharisees thought divorce should be reserved for serious while others felt he could divorce his wife for “burning dinner.” These pharisees in our Gospel didn’t really care but only wanted to trap Jesus and cause him to lose credibility for one of the groups.

So what do we do with these readings today? I don’t know anyone who disagrees with the ideal of marriage, that two people become one flesh, that they keep each other honest and bring out the best in each other. That marriages should be exclusive and permanent.

But this ideal simply doesn’t work if it becomes the requirement. While we are all called to holiness we are also capable of sin or addiction and this makes some marriages impossible. Unfortunately in days past couples who probably should have never married were told that they couldn’t leave, a sort of “you made your bed, now lie in it.” Years ago I knew a woman whose parents were in that type of marriage. The screaming matches were signs of alcoholism, depression and abuse. But they were told that they needed to preserve their marriage because their salvation depended on it. My friend was conceived during one of these attempted reconciliations. The marriage did eventually end but it was much more acrimonious and painful than it needed to be, and my friend struggled with the reality that her existence was based on bad advice from the priest.

If we believe what we say we believe about God wanting only the best for us, I don’t think we can believe that God wants us to stay in marriages that are just beyond saving. It’s been my experience that if a couple truly loves each other and wants to preserve their marriage they can overcome nearly any obstacle. But the moment one person emotionally checks out there’s nothing the other person can do. No matter how hard they fight, or manipulate, or guilt, it’s over. Nobody can keep a one sided marriage going.

I think Jesus’ reply to the Pharisees was yet one more time he avoided the trap they set for him. I also think he was going back the ideal of marriage and I think there was an undertone of anger in Jesus’ voice as they were trying to make this into a political fight.

I believe we need a definition of marriage that acknowledges the fact that we don’t always get it right the first time. I believe we need to do what we can to ensure marriages happen for the right reason and they need the support of the entire community. I once met with a couple where the prospective groom became furious with the marriage preparation meetings we required. He kept saying “this isn’t in my Bible” and he was right. But sometimes counseling can uncover issues that were either unknown or hidden in the couple. I also met with a couple who I thought were destined for each other. But she ended their engagement when she recognized that he would never respect her intelligence and had an idea of his wife that would never fit with her. She told me he would meet her achievements not with pride but with jealousy. I was saddened to hear this but relieved that she realized this in time. I never saw them again but I hope they each found partners that would celebrate each other’s accomplishments.

In the end we are a people called to a holiness that we can’t fully achieve. We are redeemed but we are also imperfect and I think our view of marriage needs to reflect this. There is no “everybody just needs to do this” but that’s true with most things in our lives. When marriages do well we should celebrate. When marriages need outside help I think we should provide that. And when marriages are beyond repair we should look with compassion and recognize that healing may need to happen outside of their bond.