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Archive for the ‘Grieving’ Category
Tuesday, June 29th, 2010
The weekend of June 11-13th was an important few days for me. I didn’t think I would actually go through with it, but I spent that weekend at Camp Marston in Julian, California as a “cabin big buddy” at Camp Erin. It’s a camp for children aged 6-17 who are remembering someone who has died. Oftentimes it’s a parent or a sibling, but it can be anybody.
For lots of reasons I’ve been looking for a place where I can volunteer my gifts, and this looked like a good spot. As many of you know, I’m a chaplain with San Diego Hospice. My work with the terminally ill oftentimes connects with the Center for Grief Care and Education and the ministry they do. I believe that grief is a skill that must be learned and the staff at our Center provides the best education I’ve ever seen. I volunteered to work with boys aged 16 and 17. I know, I know, these are not the easiest people to work with, but they are people who are in need.
I wasn’t sure what I was getting myself into, but when I met the boys/young men I was living with, I knew I had chosen well. It’s been a looooooong time since I was the Youth Minister at All Saints Catholic Church in Manassas, Virginia but the issues hadn’t changed. They still wanted someone who cared about them and I was grateful to provide them with them with that. Given what they’d been through, I was grateful to be the person who cared. I know I didn’t solve all their problems, but maybe I helped them know someone cared about them. Maybe I’ll see them next year.
Posted in Celebrating, Chuckling, Grieving, Thinking | No Comments »
Monday, May 31st, 2010
Today is the annual commemoration of Veteran’s Day (previously known as Decoration Day). I write about this every year, but it’s a good day to recognize that our freedom isn’t always free. We are who we are and we can do what we do because others have sacrificed for us. This afternoon I spent part of the day walking around Fort Rosecrans National Cemetery doing some work for Findagrave.com. The place was pretty crowded and that was nice to see.
Posted in Grieving, Praying, Remembering | No Comments »
Sunday, April 11th, 2010
The appears to be the scandal that won’t go away, mostly because the Catholic Church can’t seem to get it right. Recent revelations appear to implicate Pope Benedict XVI (then Cardinal Ratzinger) in a scandal to cover up allegations of a pedophile priest, Rev. Peter Hullermann in 1980. You can read the New York Times article for background.
You would expect the Vatican to investigate these allegations, and at the very least issues a “no comment” and hope it blows over. You’d be wrong. On Good Friday, the Pope’s preacher (Fr. Raniero Cantalamessa, OFM Conv) likened criticism of the Pope to antisemitism, angering both Jews and survivors of sexual abuse. Not to be outdone, on Easter Sunday Cardinal Angelo Sodano compared the publicity on this to gossip. Hard to believe these guys are in charge of anything let alone the Catholic Church.
In the last few days a story has come out about the Diocese of Oakland, Bishop Cummins, and and Fr. Stephen Kiesle. In the early 1980s Fr. Kiesle was convicted of abusing two boys and was removed from ministry. Bishop Cummins wrote to Pope Benedict XVI (then Cardinal Ratzinger) and asked that Fr. Kiesle be laicized, or removed from the priesthood. In fairness there was no attempt by anyone to have Fr. Kiesle returned to ministry. When Cardinal Ratzinger did write, he cautioned against laicizing Fr. Kiesle as it might be a source of scandal to the people of Oakland. Amazingly having a priest abuse boys isn’t scandalous in the Pope’s eyes. The letter goes to to ask Bishop Cummins to provide “as much paternal care as possible.” Did anyone else notice that the Pope never asked about the victims?
This is an issue that is somewhat personal for me. While I was never abused by anyone, I know at least two friends who were sexually abused by priests. I have to believe there were more and I just don’t know about it. I spent most of my early 20s in Boston as a seminarian of the Stigmatine Fathers and Brothers; that was in the early 1980s.
I would later find out that I was in the middle of a great deal of abuse, most of which I was to find out about 20 years later. When the Boston Globe started publishing articles in early 2002 I was astounded at how much was happening literally under my nose.
Much of the information I’m discussing now comes from a web page called Bishop Accountability. It’s an amazing page and I’m grateful for all the work it’s taken to keep track of all this.
The one priest I knew about was Fr. Richard Ahern CSS. I was a seminarian when I learned that at Sacred Heart Parish in Feeding Hills he abused several boys. He was pulled out of the parish and sent for treatment at the House of Affirmation in Whitinsville, MA. While there he confessed to the abuse and was arrested. He died on February 1, 2001. I never really liked him and was actually a little surprised when his crimes came to light. Most abusers are charming people who lure their victims; he always struck me as a lazy guy who made a nice living without having to work too hard. I don’t think anyone is happy with how his case was treated (and it still mystifies me why a 20 year old seminarian wasn’t warned about him). Before 1984 the Stigmatines knew about it but didn’t remove him. That year, according to my memory, his abuse was so egregious that he was sent to the House of Affirmation. It was only when he was there and told his story to the therapist he was arrested and the Stigmatines could no longer hide him. I don’t remember the details but they knew they couldn’t send him back to a parish so they gave him an internal job in the community where he wouldn’t have any contact with children. I also remember talk of how to support him; there was also talk of money being paid out to the victims but that always sounded like “hush money” to me. I don’t think they ever recognized how damage he did nor did they see the long term effects of abuse on the victims.
Probably one of the most infamous cases was Fr. Paul Shanley. He wasn’t a Stigmatine, but when I lived in the Stigmatine House of Studies in the early 1980s, Paul was the associate priest at the church next door, St. John the Evangelist in Newton. It was a French parish, and in French it was called St. Jean L’Evangelist. We called it St. Jean and used the American pronunciation. When I first met Paul I couldn’t figure out why an Irishman like Paul was assigned to a French parish, and why he wasn’t a pastor. He explained to me that he had a fight with Cardinal Humberto Medeiros and was told he’d never be pastor. That was true, as far as it goes, but Paul didn’t tell me that the fight was over Paul’s abuse of teenage boys. When Cardinal Meideros died in 1983 and the pastor of St. Jean’s died shortly after, Cardinal Bernard Law appointed Paul as pastor of St. Jean’s. By that time I was gone and that was where most of the abuse occurred. I taught CCD (Sunday School) at St. Jean’s and leaned that Paul did most of his damage to students of the school who were sent to him for disciplinary reasons. It was generally my policy to take care of disciplinary stuff in the classroom and I don’t remember sending anyone to Paul but I was grateful to see that none of my students were Paul’s victims. I’m still angry that Paul and Cardinal Meideros conspired to lie to me (and the parish) over why he was assigned to St. Jean’s. Paul was convicted in 2005 and is still in prison.
At some point the Catholic Church needs to find a way to deal with this and it will be a hard road. But we won’t start of this journey as long as we’re still more concerned with protecting the clergy than protecting our children.
Posted in Grieving, Praying, Ranting | No Comments »
Monday, April 5th, 2010
In a previous post I talked about a case that is incredibly polarizing. The news since that post is equally polarizing. The latest court ruling favors Fred Phelps and his church. It’s on hold until the Supreme Court hears the case next term, but Matt’s father Albert has been handed a bill for $16,510 to pay to the defendant, Fred Phelps.
From what I’ve been able to read, this was the order of the 4th Circuit Court of Appeals. They argue that if you bring a civil suit against someone and lose, you’re responsible for their legal costs. In the abstract that makes sense; it should cut down on frivolous lawsuits and protect defendants from being bankrupted. It should deter someone with financial means to destroy someone who lacks financial means. But I find it puzzling that the 4th Circuit is demanding payment while the case is still on appeal.
Mr. Snyder makes a good case that he cannot afford the legal bill, but it’s unlikely that he’ll actually have to pay it.
- If he ultimately wins the case he’ll receive damages from Fred Phelps much in excess of this amount.
- You can click on Matt’s memorial web page and send a donation
- Bill O’Reilly, who is somebody I’m normally contemptuous of, has promised to pay the bill. It’s rare that I applaud Bill, but I do this time.
I’ll keep you posted.
Posted in Grieving, Praying, Ranting, Remembering | No Comments »
Tuesday, December 29th, 2009
This past year has been a tough one for my father’s side of the family. We lost two of my aunts, Aunt Freda and Aunt Lempi in the winter and spring. The day before Christmas Eve we leaned that my Uncle Joe died. He had congestive heart failure and squeezed a great deal of life out his body; as a matter of fact he died after climbing a flight of stairs. The good news is that his nephew John was with him and told us that Uncle Joe didn’t suffer.
Even though he had a long life it’s still tough to lose someone right around the holidays. His death gave this Christmas a tinge of sadness. It’s also hard when it’s winter in Massachusetts. Uncle Joe’s wake is starting as I write this (from sunny and warm San Diego) and the current temperature in Gardner, MA is 11° F. I doubt that most of his family will even be able to attend.
My father is the youngest of seven, and one of four surviving. As a group they’ve been blessed with length of years, if not always good health. Uncle Joe was a case in point. He’s had heart failure for a number of years and needed to be on oxygen for a long time. Had he lived a hundred years ago it’s pretty clear that he wouldn’t have lived this long, and I sometimes wonder if his extra years were a blessing to him. It was certainly good to see him on my infrequent visits to Gardner and I’ll certainly miss him when I’m there next but I think it’s a fair question whether our current state of health care has served him well.
This is probably grist for another post, but our health care system is good at keeping our hearts beating, and moderately good at pain relief. We are also good at providing equipment to keep us mobile (e.g. oxygen tanks, wheelchairs, etc.). But we’re not as good at helping people stay healthy and avoid getting sick. Well, more later.
Posted in Grieving, Thinking | No Comments »
Tuesday, July 7th, 2009
So earlier today there was a funeral in Los Angeles; maybe you heard something about it. Michael Jackson, who died on June 25th, was laid to rest today in Forest Lawn Cemetery after a memorial service at the Staples Center.
It was a landmark event that marked the end of a brilliant but tragic life. Even people who didn’t like Michael have to admit he was a boy and man with incredible talent and genius for what would entertain people. I have to confess that my iPod has a few of his songs and I still enjoy listening to them. He was one of a kind.
Unfortunately he was also tortured by the very talent that made him famous. Much like his former father in law, Elvis Presley he appeared to use great quantities of pain killers to try to cure his emotional and spiritual pain. Elvis died at 42 and Michael at 50, and fans of both try to pass their deaths off as heart attacks.
I believe that the tragedy in Michael’s life is that he didn’t love himself as much as his fans loved him. It all seemed to work as long as he was the talented, youngest member of the Jackson 5. He was young, black, and very talented. But as he grew up he somehow became uncomfortable with the idea of being a black man. In the 1990s his skin began to turn white; he claimed he suffered from a condition called Vitiligo, a condition where patches of skin have no melanin and appear lighter than the rest. Most people of African descent either live with it or find ways to make the patches appear darker. Michael claimed that he lightened the rest of his skin to match the patches. Many health professionals doubt he ever had Vitiligo, and even those who believe him think he made a poor choice in how to treat it. It is generally assumed that he wanted to be white and “bleached” his skin to make him look white.
He also didn’t want to grow up. I personally don’t get this (and am much happier as an adult) but he embraced the innocence of being an eternal child. This ended up being the most controversial part of his life as he built a life around his own imagined childhood: a ranch he called Neverland from Peter Pan. He surrounded himself with children who he saw as playmates. Unfortunately the rest of the world saw these children as victims and him as a pedophile. His claims that they shared his bed as “innocent fun” sickened most of us and gave him a label he never fully understood.
I pray that in death he finally achieve the peace that eluded him in this life.
Goodbye Michael.
Posted in Grieving, Remembering, Thinking | No Comments »
Monday, May 25th, 2009
It’s become an annual tradition for me to post on Memorial Day. Since shortly after the Civil War families of those who were killed in war have felt the need to commemorate their sacrifices. Since 1868 it has been a national holiday, now celebrated on the 4th Monday of May. Last year I noted that 4083 of our young men and women have died in Iraq since 2003. The number is now 4300.
That is, in a sense, good news in that only 217 have died in the last year, but that’s of little consolation to their families. The major focus of the war is moving to Afghanistan and I’m having a hard time finding a web page that tracks casualties there.
Regardless, it’s a good day to thank a veteran.
Posted in Grieving, Praying, Remembering | No Comments »
Sunday, April 12th, 2009
Last month we bade a sad goodbye to our cat, Kirby. Longtime readers of this blog remember that our other cat, Hoover, died peacefully four years ago on May 2, 2005. He was 15 at the time. For the past few years Kirby has enjoyed being the only cat in the house and his health has been in good health for most of it.
We noticed a few months ago that he was doing what we called a “silent meow;” that is, he would look like he was meowing but no sound came out. That didn’t concern us, but in February his purr changed pitch and over the next few weeks we noticed he wasn’t drinking very much. We brought him to his veterinarian Dr. John Hetzler, DVM who told us that Kirby was indeed having trouble with his swallow reflex. He did a quick X ray that showed that there was no massive tumor (which was our biggest fear) but that he had swallowed a huge amount of gas and suggested, no kidding, Maalox. Unfortunately that didn’t do any good and we needed to have Kirby re-hydrated.
Dr. Hetzler was very good with us and explained that Kirby is probably suffering from some kind of neuropathic condition that was making it hard for him to swallow, especially liquids. We could have done any number of tests, but the results would almost certainly have told us that either there was nothing to be done, or that it would have been much too expensive. Frankly, Kirby was nearly 19 years old, he had a wonderful life, and it was time to let him go. On March 18th we brought him in and he was euthanized. As with Hoover, it was a painful decision, but it was our last chance to care for him. We’re comforted by the fact that in his 19 years he was well cared for. He was never cold, hungry, or in danger.
Our next step? Well, for the first time in we have no pets in our home. We have some fixing up to do around the house and this provides us with the perfect opportunity. We have some projects to do in the next few months and we expect to repopulate the house sometime this summer. Stay tuned.
Posted in Grieving, Remembering | No Comments »
Monday, January 26th, 2009
When Nancy and I were on our way home from Yosemite we got a call from my father that his older sister Alfreda Theresa Allain Ladroga died. I had to ask him if I had heard it right because she was not the person I expected to be the one to die. My father is the youngest of seven children: Jeanne, Ed, Joe, Freda, Norman, Andre, and Donald (my father). Andre was always known as “Tonto” and I always heard him referred to as “Uncle Tonto.” He died in a drowning accident in 1964 and I’m too young to remember him. My father is 77 and his siblings are all in their 80s. I’ve known for a while that in the next few years I’ll be getting some calls with this news, but this call was a surprise. At 83 she was one of the younger ones and appeared to be in good health. On the other hand I found that the last time she had seen a doctor was when my cousin Rick was born in 1960.
As I understand it she was talking about abdominal pain and my cousin John noticed that she appeared weak. Last week he finally convinced her to go to the hospital. When she got there they noticed her liver enzymes were off and further tests showed she had advanced colon cancer that had spread to her kidneys and liver. In a few days she was gone. My theory is that she had known for a while she was sick and chose not to have it treated. I respect that as she was in her 80s and probably didn’t look forward to facing chemotherapy and/or radiation for the rest of her life.
In any case I will miss her. Earlier in my life Gardner, Massachusetts was an important part of my life as were my father’s siblings. A few times I visited Gardner in college I stayed with her since she had the room and she was very kind to me. She had also been important to my father as she could give him information on what was going on with his siblings (this may not make much sense unless you’re French and understand that communication is not our strong suit).
Here is her obit in the Gardner News:
GARDNER — Alfreda Therese “Freda” (Allain) Ladroga, 83, of 61 Lake Street, Gardner, died Friday, January 23rd in UMASS-Memorial Medical Center, 55 Lake Ave N., Worcester, surrounded by her family, following a brief illness.
Born in Gardner on March 18, 1925, she was the daughter of the late Calixte and Emma (LeBlanc) Allain.
Alfreda graduated from Gardner High School with the Class of 1943.
She was a Personal Care Attendant, employed by Worcester State Hospital, Worcester for several years, retiring in 1985. She was previously employed by Rutland State Hospital, Rutland and Gardner State Hospital, Gardner.
Alfreda was a member of Our Lady of the Holy Rosary Church, Gardner.
She enjoyed playing scrabble, crocheting and doing crossword puzzles “in ink”. Alfreda loved to cook and was generous with her special recipes. She most enjoyed her family, friends and church.
Alfreda was predeceased by her husband of 53 years, Zigmond Ladroga, who died in 2001.
She leaves two sons, John A. Ladroga and his companion Renee Haley of Phillipston and Richard K. Ladroga and his wife Tracy of Athol; one daughter, Kathleen A. Gallant and her husband Laurie of Gardner; four brothers, Edward Allain and his wife Eva of Gardner, Norman Allain and his wife Lempi of Gardner, Joseph Allain of Gardner and Donald Allain and his wife Claire of Woodbridge, VA; one sister, Jeanne Hetnik of Otter River; ten grandchildren; six great-grandchildren; several nieces, nephews and cousins.
She was predeceased by a son, John Henry Ladroga and by one brother, Andre Allain.
Funeral services will be held Wednesday, January 28th from the Boucher Funeral Home, Inc., 110 Nichols Street, Gardner with a Mass at 10:00 a.m. in Our Lady of the Holy Rosary Church, 135 Nichols Street, Gardner. Burial will be in Notre Dame Cemetery, Gardner, at a later date.
Calling hours in the funeral home are Tuesday, January 27th from 6:00 p.m. to 8:00 p.m. and Wednesday, January 28th from 8:30 a.m. to 9:30 a.m.
Memorial contributions may be made to Our Lady of the Holy Rosary School, 135 Nichols Street, Gardner, MA 01440.
Rest in peace, Aunt Freda. I’m sorry I’ll miss your sendoff.
Posted in Grieving, Praying, Remembering | No Comments »
Monday, May 26th, 2008
Today is the annual commemoration of Memorial Day. It used to be celebrated on May 30th but now it has been moved to the last Monday of May. When I wrote this tribute last year, we had lost 3455 troops in Iraq. As I write this we’ve lost 4083. I pray next year the number will be dramatically smaller. It’s a good day to thank a vet.
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